Outed

by Taffy Cannon

I have been outed by the Danbury Mint.

I have no idea how this happened, but one day last week a remarkable piece of advertising arrived in my USPS mailbox. It is far too slick to be called junk mail, and it is personalized beyond all reason.

The necklace it offers is called “Forever Together.” This 14K gold-plated, heart-shaped pendant features both partner names and Swarovski crystals to identify their birthstones. A sprinkling of diamonds tops the heart and an “elegant” storage pouch is included for only $69 plus shipping.

Names are involved, indeed integral. This mailer is personalized to identify the two halves of the heart as “Amy” and “Taffy.” The copy begins: “From the moment you first met her, you knew you were destined for each other. Express the depth of your eternal bond with a pendant that truly celebrates your love. A gift that says Taffy and Amy will be … Forever Together.”

They’ve even gone to the trouble of writing in our names on the order form in tidy printing worthy of a 1950s grade school teacher. Both names appear at least ten times on the supporting letter and order form and flyer, which suggests on the address page: “Taffy, Give Amy a gift she’ll remember forever!”

It’s a lovely sentiment, and the Danbury Mint is to be congratulated on being so in touch with the times. There’s only one small problem.

Amy is my cat.

Yes, we are close, and I love her dearly. And all that sparkly stuff would undoubtedly be gorgeous against her sleek black fur. I’m even pretty sure that, as the letter suggests, “Amy will surely be delighted by such a unique and thoughtful gesture.”

However, this is a girl who climbs trees and removed her post-hysterectomy cone of shame in exactly fourteen seconds. A pendant on an eighteen-inch chain—what could possibly go wrong? And how do we explain all this to Rebecca, the other participant in our ménage a trois?

Or to my husband, with whom I just celebrated 42 years of marriage?

I didn’t ask for any of this. I have never purchased anything from the Danbury Mint and have no idea how they got on to me and Amy. Are operatives lurking outside my bedroom window?

I don’t even want to think about what kind of solicitations may follow.